When The Shoulda-Coulda Is Finally Put to REST…

I hate admitting it but my life is full of regrets. The  “shoulda-coulda’s”  tend to overwhelm me at times. I’ve learned from years of practice that when the “shoulda-coulda’s” try to overtake me I have no other choice but to get up and shake them off …violently. Cannot live my life thinking and wondering what life might have been like “if only” I’d gone about things a different way. Life is all about stumbling along the way, holding things in tension, and coming to a place of acceptance with whatever consequences our actions may have wrought upon us. Life is about learning from your mistakes and never giving up, especially when convinced the result will be well worth the effort it takes to wrestle, re-think, repent, adjust, tweak, re-do, and whatever else it may need to finally get it right and make amends. Besides, I believe we serve the God of Resurrection power who can revive anything in me I may have allowed to die because of my sinfulness or immaturity.

Right about now, I would go into the long litany of “regrets” and “shoulda-coulda’s” that seem to compose the anthem of my life but I’m feeling a bit under the weather physically (I’m battling some nasty flu systems at the moment) and emotionally I feel a bit vulnerable and exposed at the moment. I guess I am still processing through this past weekend’s experience at briefly sharing my story. As good as it was for me to do so and am thankful for the opportunity to share, it still has a tendency to leave me feeling a bit vulnerable and unguarded. I’m a walking living oxymoron when I say I try to live my life as an “open secret”. Whenever I dare to venture into transparency and unabashed honesty and expose the deepest parts of myself, the other side of the pendulum of my life is always to run, hide, and close up like the petals of a flower at night. But as I said earlier, I am learning to resist the urge to hide and instead shake off (violently) whatever tries to bury me in shame.

The one regret I have that I will share with you here is that it has taken me this long to finally embrace Sabbath-keeping. I have walked with the knowledge of the Scriptures since as long as I can remember. As a child, the Catholic nuns and priests drilled into my head the Ten Commandments and sacraments but none of it made any difference to me. During pubescence, Juanita, the Jehovah’s Witness, took me on faithfully for two years and taught me everything she knew about the Scriptures but that only left in me an aversion to holidays, birthdays, pagan rituals, and the manifestations of the Holy Spirit. Enter the Holiness Pentecostals who took over for the next four years and reversed my aversion to the Holy Spirit but left me trapped in legalism with a list of “do” and “don’t” as long and wide as the Mississippi River. Exhausted, I finally stumbled into the “not-so” contemplative New Life Fellowship of 1989. Finally, a breath of fresh air where the message of grace was alive and well and so very new to me. I ran with it. Grace. Grace. Grace. I became  a Grace junkie and eventually used grace to serve my selfish means and purposes. In the end, I had cheapened God’s grace and turned it into nothing but license to sin and turned my nose at any rules presented to me. Ahh, regrets, I have more than a few but I am moving on…

Hands down, Sabbath-keeping has been the best thing yet to have come out of New Life Fellowship. I can only hope and pray for myself and New Life  that Sabbath-keeping will not just be another phase soon forgotten and exchanged for the next move of God. While I understand, and am of the mindset that change is inevitable, since God is always taking us to newer and deeper levels of faith and trust in Him, requiring of us to make adjustments and let go of old practices (i.e. the exclusion of women in leadership, physical circumcision (yay!!!), animal sacrifices, veils in church, snake-handling (another yay!!!), shouting in church (boo), etc.), I trust Sabbath-keeping will remain steadfast and permanent.

I love Friday nights more now than ever. I look forward to lighting the candle and taking my place on the sofa to rest my weary bald head for twenty-four uninterrupted hours. This is the one day I can stop and shut out any and all interruptions of this frenzied world we live in and just be still enough to let me hear HIS pleasure in the things I tend to overlook when I am running at 65 miles an hour (okay, maybe 50 mph since I am getting older and just can’t keep up like I used to). I love how the Sabbath gives me the boost I need to carry out what I need to during the remaining six days. I’ve noticed the more I practice Sabbath the less of a burden ministering to others has become. I used to feel worn out back in the day when called upon to minister to those in need. As a Social Worker by profession, I meet people every day who are in need and need my help. Same goes for Church. Many come burdened and hurting and sometimes it seems the laborers are far and few and needs go unmet. Sabbath allows me to re-charge my batteries and go full steam ahead. I can do this now because I know that at the end of the six-day cycle my Day of Reward is a guarantee. Not a promise. Not maybe but guaranteed as long as I am wise enough to take full advantage of it.

My heartfelt prayer is that I will never have to regret the beautiful and life-giving gift of Sabbath. May I never regret that I failed to put Sabbath into practice. I love the fact, when tempted to forgo the Sabbath and treat it as just any other day, I am bound to feel the effects during the work week; enough to make me want to crave it all the more. The Sabbath that gives you rest and allows you to delight will always be desirable as long as the world runs you ragged and to the bone. While I understand and respect my brothers and sisters who love constant motion: doing, doing, doing, until they are all but done… I greatly appreciate the Maker of Heaven and Earth validating my need to take a “breather” and rest. And if He can rest from his labor, well, so can I…who desperately wants to imitate HIM in all things!

Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

None but Jesus

From Judea Costes…

—–

In the quiet, in the stillness I know that you are God.  In the secret of your presence I know there I am restored.

When you call I won’t refuse… Each new day, again I’ll choose.

There is no one else for me, none but Jesus.  Crucified to set me free, now I live to bring Him praise.

In the chaos, in confusion I know you’re sovereign still.  In the moment of my weakness you give me grace to do your will.
When you call I won’t delay… This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me, none but Jesus.  Crucified to set me free, now I live to bring Him praise.

I am yours and you are mine…

All my delight is in you Lord; all of my hope, all of my strength.  All my delight is in you Lord, forevermore.

There is no one else for me, none but Jesus.  Crucified to set me free, now I live to bring Him praise.
-Brooke Fraser.

I have no idea where I want to go with this one….

“None but Jesus” has become so important to me recently… I wouldn’t know how to say what this song says any other way…  Fraser definitely has a way with words.  I envy her…

This song makes me feel so peaceful… It makes me feel… right.  I’m not sure if that makes sense, but that’s the only other word that comes to mind.  I feel right when I sing this song, like some deep part of me is affirmed by my singing it.  It’s almost the same feeling I get when I suddenly remember that perfect word I was trying to say but temporarily forgot at the worst possible time, like when I’m in the middle of an intense conversation or a presentation.  The feeling is very similar to that; a sort of satisfaction, the “a-ha!  that’s what was missing” feeling.  I don’t know.

I don’t think most Christians realize exactly how important worship is… I think they just shrug it off as “that nice time of music before pastor speaks”, but it’s so much more than that… I believe with all my heart that, like Sabbath, worship is a gift God has given us so that we may delight in Him.  I feel the happiest when I’m singing my heart out to Jesus; that’s when I’m closest to him, that’s when I feel comfortable telling him anything… but usually all I want to sing about is how simply wonderful he is.  You see?  Even now I’m fishing for words that will never adequately describe what I’m trying to say, but that’s never how I feel when I’m praising; all the right words come out, whether they’re preset for me by a particular song or my heart is overflowing with expressions of awe and love.

I feel that worship not only brings us to a deeper level with God, but it also connects us as a Christian community.  We sing the same songs in unison in church on Sunday then we download the songs as soon as we get home so that we can carry them with us throughout the week.  We all know the songs by Hillsong United, Chris Tomlin, Matt Redman, etc, though not always by title.  The lyrics act as a string that keeps us all tied together, keeps us all on the same page when praising.

Not sure if all this is making sense; as I said before, I’m not sure where I was going with this post [and after rereading it several times, I have decided that if I were to grade this as an essay, I would have to give it a C- for poor structure]… But I hope some of you were able to understand some of what I’m trying to say.  I haven’t even gone into the differences between worship and praise or the different forms of worship there are, but… yeah.  I think I’ve said enough for now.

Sabbath as a Newly Married Couple…Part 2

Cate commented on my last entry saying, if my Sabbath day looks different from Jim’s (so stopping, resting, delighting, contemplating), what do I do?
I’ve hesitated to reply to this comment, and it’s not easy to give a quick respond back. But, here is another entry on how sabbath is done with the Carlese’s.

I am ashamed to say that I tend to control sabbath. I struggle with making sure sabbath is done the way I like it, rather than do things Jim wants to do.
It’s difficult for me to admit that before preparing for sabbath, I tell Jim what I want to do, what I would like to get cleaned, work before sabbath. I tell him what kind of food I want, what events to go to or not go to, and what time I want (really “us”) to go to bed and get up on sabbath. Jim often is compliant to “my way”, because when it’s not done “my way” I can get angry or moody.

However, there have been some situations where I have allowed him to do what he enjoys. Like meet up with his guy friends on a Sunday morning, or for lunch. On those days, I’ll either spend time alone, or meet up with my friends.

I’d like to mention that I have submit myself to at least one thing Jim likes to do. Before sabbath start we go to the gym on a Saturday morning. Now, I hate the gym, although I care about my health, I find no joy in running on a treadmill, doing crunches, going on the cross trainer, and especially take one of those aerobic classes. I can’t deal with the shame of not keeping up with the class, where I usually need to stop and catch my breath every 5 minutes. But, I go because he delights in going to the gym together, and us working towards being fit and healthy. However, if you notice that this is something I wouldn’t do during “my” Sabbath. I’ll tell myself that I’ve served my penance going to the gym, so sabbath should be done my way.

You would think that since I know this about myself, that I am controlling when it comes to sabbath, maybe I would “change”. But nope, I can’t seem to allow myself to change. Friday night, when we got home from marriage group, the first thing I tell him is the schedule for before and during Sabbath. I state that we should wake up at 8:30 am, head to the gym by 9 am, get back home around 11 am and once we’ve showered, clean the house. I scheduled to meet with a friend over coffee in the afternoon, so I expect Jim to get the taxes done in the mean time. I also mentioned that when I’m done with meeting up with my friend, I’d like to go to Sri Pra Phai, in Woodside for an early dinner before we see our talented musician friends, Jusup with his band and Cate. It was difficult to agree to going to the concert at 5:30, because it cut into our sabbath. So that would mean we couldn’t light our candle at 6 pm and be in “sheer silence”. But, we both decided that we like to hear the music. Jim agreed to my schedule, but on Saturday I noticed he wasn’t meeting his end of the agreement. After the gym, I decide to take a short nap because I was exhausted. Jim wasn’t as tired as I was, so I figured that he would do some of the cleaning. But, no…instead once I got up…I found him on the computer. Boy, was I upset, I couldn’t help myself but let out a nasty comment.. “is this what you’ve been doing this entire time I was sleeping”.. I didn’t let him explain himself. Instead I grabbed my bright yellow rubber gloves, Ajax, and a brush under the kitchen sink and started scrubbing the bathroom. I was doing things in a disgruntled way. Finally, Jim realized my anger, and he grabbed some laundry and did a load….

That night we were able to talk about our feelings, and we did a “ladder of integrity”, a skill we learned in our marriage group to help us through our feelings and discern our values.

Cate, if you’re reading this I’m sad to admit that I’m bossy, uptight, and I focus on doing things “my way” rather then God’s way and take the time to hear my husband. I hope to work at not being controlling and hurting Jim in the process of desiring a “good” sabbath.

I realized after this weekend that I am actually legalistic in how I spend sabbath.  I need to have the candle lit, prayer time, silence, and scripture reading.  If none of those things happen then I think I didn’t have a successful sabbath.

It is Jim’s perspective that sabbath is more of an attitude.  It is not about doing everything I like or about lighting candles.  Those things can be good to help with delighting and marking the time.  But it is about slowing down and focusing on God during everything that is done planned or unplanned.

Sabbath, You’re a Waste of Time.

If I had to describe the hardest aspect about the Sabbath (and personally, the most shocking), it would be the fact that Sabbath is a waste of time.  In fact, I feel guilty just typing out that sentence.  Perish the thought!

A waste of time?

Let’s face it.  Anything that can be categorized into being a “waste of time” comes with it a whole string of negative connotations.  Inefficient.  Lazy.  Throw-away.  To add to my own list of words that come to mind, I looked up the word, “waste”, in the thesaurus, and these words came up:  indulgence, immoderacy, carelessness, short-sightedness… just to name a few.  Could there possibly be an aspect to this waste of time on the Sabbath that is good for us?

If you’re thinking that Sabbath isn’t a waste of time, you can just stop that thought process here.  I heard Pastor Pete say that it is several times already, and whatever he says goes, so there.  ::sarcastic grin::   All kidding aside, for a time hoarder like myself, this concept of the Sabbath being a waste of time is a huge hurdle to overcome.  I’m that person who is ultra-conscious about how short life is.  I’m that person who rarely watches TV or movies for fear of those 2 or 3 hours being thrown away into the wind (unless I know it will significantly impact how I think about life).  I’m that person who desires every breathing moment to count, who so needs life to mean more than what meets the eye, who needs purpose to wake up in the morning.  I’m that person who stays up late into the night in a frivolous attempt to extend the day, in hopes that I could get that one more thing done.  I reach out every day and grab the sands of time by its throat, desperately trying to hold on tight as it slips through my fingers.  And though I don’t express it often, I grieve the loss of time.  Deeply.

Time is such an elusive and mysterious concept.  There was no time before time began.  And there will be no time once it ends.  And it will end one day.  There is no beginning or end without time, actually.  Time exists because of humanity.  In the light of eternity, time holds no significance.  When we see Jesus face to face, there won’t be such a constraint as time.  Our existence will transcend time… just as God exists outside the confines of time.  It’s hard to grasp, honestly.  I really can’t imagine BEING without time.  But I look forward to the day because then I won’t have this burden of trying to make life work out in the boundaries of time.  Essentially, that’s what life is.  A limited range of time.  And the more I think about that, the more I want to do more.  I’m saying more a little too much, aren’t I?  I have a feeling I’ll be saying it even more as this post progresses.

Back to doing more.  Yes.  I want to do more.  I’m in that “Oh, I wish the day consisted of 25 hours” camp.  If there was a way we could all vote on it and somehow miraculously add one more hour to the day and add that many more hours to the human life, I’d be the first in line for that ballot.  This scares me.  First of all, I’m not even a busy-body and I’m saying this.  I am not in a frenzy to get things done.  I’m pretty slow in nature (those who hear me laugh about 2 seconds after everyone else pursuant to a joke in a sermon would know) and I do like to take my time with things and do things really thoroughly, to a fault.  I’m not a hurried New Yorker weaving in and out of crowds to get to my destination.  I trail behind when walking with fast walkers.  I usually like to soak in my surroundings and love to stroll the city streets.  I love to sleep and I eat rrreeeeally slowly.  Maybe I want that extra hour so that I can take my time without feeling bad about it.  I can’t imagine how much more a fast-driven person would desire more time to get things done.  To be more productive and more efficient and more of all that good stuff.

So, with all that said, is Sabbath really a waste of time?  By society’s standards, by man’s standards, by my company’s standards, by my friends, my family, by MY OWN STANDARDS, it absolutely is.  Do you know what I’ve been doing on my Sabbath?  I’ve been watching movies.  I’ve been sitting in silence.  I’ve been reading a book for my enjoyment, for crying out loud (when’s the last time I did that?).  I’ve been napping and sleeping in.  Today I put on some good music and danced like a fool without a care in the world.

During the Sabbath, we are called to  STOP.  REST.  DELIGHT.  CONTEMPLATE.  Tell me one thing in there that is productive or efficient.  Today when we experienced the 25 minutes of silence during service (which I absolutely loved and enjoyed; by the way – Idilio, aren’t you happy you’re on vacay?), it sure felt like a waste of time.  Where was the content?  Where was the message?  Where was the exhortation?  Are you seriously telling me that God will meet us in the sound of sheer silence?   In the inactivity?  In the nothingness?

YES.

The Sabbath is a complete waste of time.  It is also the absolute best use of time.  Because for once, we have a chance to retreat from the spinning world around us and notice the beauty and gift of life.  For once, I relinquish my delusional control over life and circumstances and relationships, and I trust God to take care of it all.  For once, I acknowledge my limits and allow God to be God.

And for that, I welcome this waste of time.

Sabbath: Inactivity is an Activity

From Christine Lee…

—-

Before I began observing Sabbath, I contemplated its approach with resignation and reluctance, envisioning the day as a “dead day” with all liveliness and interest stripped away as activities were forced to a stop.   To my mind, the Sabbath seemed an unbearable ordeal to be endured rather than the delight described by Pastor Pete.   Obviously, something, somehow, had to be wrong with my thinking.

As it often happens, I was given enlightenment through a seemingly unconnected event.   The idea of “inactivity as activity” came to me when I encountered an art exhibit during a recent visit to the Museum of Modern Art.

The title of performance art exhibit is called, “The Artist Is Present” by Marina Abramovic. (see attached picture) This piece involves the artist herself sitting silent at the table in the center of the busy museum atrium. The artist faces an empty chair across the table and visitors are invited to slip into the seat, gaze across at the artist’s face and become an actual part of the art.  There is no time restriction on how long the visitor may sit.  The performance is based on stillness, silence, and endurance.   The essence of the piece places the visitor in the immediate “here and now” with the artist in the midst of the busy activity of the atrium crowd.  Two cameras are set off to the sides of the exhibit to capture the motion of the mass of onlookers as well as the “here and now” experience of the visitor and the motionless artist sitting within the piece of art.   Looking on from a distance, I was fascinated by the amount of movement and variety of activity surrounding the performance in contrast to the stillness within the performance itself.

It then dawned on me that Sabbath is God’s version of the “The Artist is Present”.  Through Sabbath, God generously invites me to pause and step away from my everyday activities and be with Him in a quiet, inactive state where I can observe the activities of my life with Him and through His vision.  In this light, Sabbath is not an inactive day at all, but rather a day of active observation of the activities surrounding the watchful inactive.  It is His invitation to me to be still and experience His dominion with Him.   Without embracing Sabbath, I might never be incented to look away from my own daily concerns and begin observing the world around me through His eyes.

Consequently, I no longer view Sabbath as a day when I must bury all activity but rather a day when I allow myself to be inactive so that I am open and able to absorb all the activities from the vantage point of my inactivity.  This “action of inaction” frees me to experience the extraordinary hidden within the most ordinary activities of my life.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

Sabbath as a newly married couple..

So Jim and I haven’t had successful sabbath’s, and I’ve been feeling frustrated that we couldn’t seem to get it together. It seems we haven’t fully communicated what we envision Sabbath to look like. We are a work in process, but I can say that these past two weekends in our sabbath we actually stopped, rested, contemplated and delighted. We decided to change our sabbath from Friday to Saturday starting at 6pm to Sunday 6pm, because we wanted to spend Saturday morning doing a lot of the preparing. Saturday morning we got up early, had a quick breakfast, went to the gym, came home took a shower, went back out in the rain, shopped at Bed Bath and Target for some house hold items, came back home, and I started cleaning. I was running around putting the items we bought away and cleaned our bedroom, and the living room. I noticed Jim plopped himself on the couch and started watching a basketball game. I was so frustrated, because I could use his help so we can start sabbath on time with everything being done. I wanted to yell and scream,  I noticed my fist was clenching up.  I some how calmed myself down and said “I could really use your help cleaning”, he responded “well, I can only watch this now, because once sabbath comes, I can’t watch TV”. He’s right, one thing I wanted was to turn off all electronics, because I feel it takes away quality time with God, I know when I get on the computer, I can be on it for hours and I feel I waist valuable time, that I could have spent with God. So I let him watch TV, while I prepared for sabbath, cleaning and cooking. Jim eventually helped me set up the table, we used our Lenox candle stick holder that was given to me by his mother. We would only use this for a special occasion and our sabbath turned out to be such an occasion. We lit our candle at 6pm, turned off all the lights, so we can gaze at the candle and be in the presence of God. We spent a few minutes in silence and we both said a prayer. We turned the lights back up and delighted in our food. I made homemade ravioli two nights before, which took hours to make and was very strenuous because I didn’t have a pasta roller machine. I appreciate  pasta more now because of all the work that is put into it.

After dinner, I put on Fernando Ortega, whose music I am addicted to. Jim and I decided, we both wanted to get some reading done. Jim read a book by Richard Rohr and I read Mother Theresa’s A Simple Life. It was a good 2 hours of reading, contemplating and enjoying music.  We then came back together, shared what we learned from our time of reading, and I said a silent prayer. It was nice to experience this sabbath with my husband for the first time. I am used to spending my time with God alone, but now being married, spending time with God as a couple has been challenging but beautiful at the same time.

Can I Have My Sabbath and Eat It, Too?

There is this popular saying that is intrinsically connected to work that I’ve often heard growing up in the U.S.:  There is no such thing as a free lunch. In other words, if I want something, I must work for it.

I’ve heard here and there in passing that the Sabbath is a free gift from God.  It’s a wonderful thought; it really is.  But in my experience of exercising the Sabbath over these last few weeks, that notion couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Don’t get me wrong.  I do believe it’s a gift.  I just don’t know that it’s free.  The whole concept of the Sabbath is stopping and resting from work, but in order to get there, in order to really experience Sabbath as it was intended, one must work. Hard.  The Sabbath is costly.

For Sabbath to sound sexy (did I just say Sabbath and sexy in the same sentence?), it’s tempting for me to try to dress it up, water it down and make it sound really easy.  The thing is, when I’ve prepared adequately, it is easy.  It’s wonderful.  It can be one of the best experiences in the world (read Leon’s last post).  But the days leading up to the Sabbath are, at times, not as pleasant and require a lot sacrifice.  I didn’t really get this until I actually started to practice the Sabbath regularly at the beginning of this Lenten season.

*****

I was home sick today.  Illness?  Physical exhaustion.  Cause?  Overloaded calendar.  Lately when I go to schedule an appointment, outing, or get-together of some kind and open up my Google Calendar, I notice that I am booked solid for the next 2 months.  Mind you, I am a single, independent, 9-5 professional with few friends.  I don’t run a company, I don’t have any children, and I’m anything but a social butterfly.  Sure, I like to spend time with friends, do my music thing, and participate in events for causes I feel strongly about… but I don’t really feel like, on the whole, I have too many extracurricular activities.  Somehow, life has just become busy on its own, without any intentional effort on my part.

Enter, the Sabbath.  I have tried the Sabbath in the past, as this is not a new concept to New Life Fellowship.  I honestly never “got” it.  I didn’t understand how to set aside time when there was no time of that kind of availability.  I tried and it didn’t work, so I moved forward.  Noticing that my calendar has gotten fuller than ever before, I recognized the increasing importance of incorporating Sabbath into my week to really experience rest and delight.  I knew I had to make sacrifices.  I just didn’t realize how much.

Ever since I started Sabbathing a few weeks ago, I have had to say “no” a lot more.  ”No” isn’t something I am used to saying historically.  I grew up being 100% compliant to my parents and doing all that I can to please people.  I’ve recently learned how to say “no” just in the past couple of years.  Honestly, saying “no” to people when they ask me to do something I’d rather not do is pretty awesome.  I can say it and feel less guilty about it.  On the flip side, saying “no” to people when in my heart I really want to say “yes” has required some resolve and acceptance.  It’s hard to explain all this in a simple blog post, but these past few weeks when I have had opportunities to attend different events and spend time with people, I’ve had to decline because I knew I needed that time to prepare for my Sabbath.  Some might say this is legalism and that I’m missing the point, but I really don’t think so.  In life, I must make choices.  I’m starting to see that if I don’t make hard choices, I really will be missing the point.  I will end up knowing a myriad of people, and not really knowing anyone.  I will do a whole lot of things, but not really make a significant impact on any one thing.  I will go from event to event and miss the purpose of it.  I will over-exert myself and end up at home, sick.  Just like today.

The thing is, I knew this.  I did.  I just didn’t realize the extent of my limitation.  If I don’t accept the fact that I have limits, then I am believing that I am God, and that is just absurd.

I can’t do it all and have the Sabbath, too.  I have to make choices… and those choices get harder and harder by the week.  Sometimes, I grieve over the fact that I couldn’t do everything and see everyone.  The Sabbath is costly, indeed.  But I believe that it’s worth every sacrifice.

Time Out of Mind

I’m reading the much awarded “Underworld” by Dom DeLillo. I can’t help  writing like him, his style right now. But I will be myself by the end.

It’s one of those books with multiple story lines that loop through time and space, history and geography, disconnected  from linear time. The characters seem unhinged,too, the plot a seeming afterthought after the first chapter. The whole thing seems written for the handful of midtown literary suits who think all that matters is that they get it.

Meaning: It’s the kind of book I think I’ve wanted to write forever, but haven’t had the guts.

I took it out of the library two months ago and put it down in a week after the first hundred or so of the 800 plus pages. But in the last week I’m almost 400 pages in, the zone, the “100 Years of Solitude” place where you have to keep reading though you’ve given up keeping track of the names forever.

I’m not reading because I need to keep up with what serious writers write, though I do.  The only reason I’m reading it is the Lent Sabbath project. To be honest, the other reason I’m reading it is I’m broke, I mean squeezing every dollar “ ‘till the eagle grins” until payday. I should do a whole entry soon on what paycheck-to-paycheck poverty, no matter your salary, can do for spiritual discipline, if you will let it humble you into Christ-likeness and shun self-pity.

I got up at eight last Saturday morning just to get ready. No self-pity, praise God, but with great expectation. I put the aroma of  Saturday NPR into every room, and began to do the things I needed and wanted to do, the way I wanted to do them, unhurried, unburdened, Sabbath like.

I arranged and re-arranged the futon in the living room to catch the light of the two large untreated south facing windows, and brought the book in with my coffee. It was more storm than sun light, but there was peace in it, and out of it came a little idea that became bigger as the day went on. It came from something in the insane gush quoted words, people sharing the same space in conversation that wasn’t dialog because the words didn’t really connect them. It was one guy’s apple thoughts and then the other guy’s orange thoughts. Internal narratives going in and out loud, about nothing made to seem like everything, at least to them.

Life With An Eternal Quality

One day I will write a big idea book where the backdrop is as finite and banal as what we Christians call “the world,” but the characters spend all their time grappling with the infinite, as best they can. But right now my little idea is this: The Sabbath was made for man not just to free him from care and toil, but from time itself.

Please believe me: I began this piece the night BEFORE Pastor Pete ‘s sermon comparing the Sabbath to a taste of eternity. But, as it so often happens, the acorns that land in my mind after God shakes His Oak in me always find their way into Pete Scazzero’s sermons before I can ever get them into print. But I love it, because I love how scripture is not only confirmed in scripture, but in the words of anointed mentors I been blessed to know in my walk. Before I knew Pastor Pete, my friend Pastor Keith Welch planted a nut in my head about how God not only promises eternal life, but, through identification with the Risen Lord, offers us life with an eternal quality.

Eternity, as Pastor Pete pointed out, is timeless. So it’s really not such a big leap to say that when we stop for  time with God, He returns the favor by stopping time for us. I don’t want to get Einstein about it, but what I love most about my Sabbaths is how they take me out of time, like the twin in the rocket ship nearing warp speed. And the coolest thing: I don’t feel a thing but joy.

No acceleration, no drag of inertia from the preceding week, or from a lifetime of sin for that matter. No friction, except when a few stray molecules of doubt, care or fear leak out into the time free space around me. I don’t call it a void, because wherever I am God’s love surrounds me, makes existence so the opposite of void as to stand the concept on its head.

Look Ma, No Brakes

“In repentance and rest is your salvation. In quietness and trust is your strength…..”—Isaiah 30: 15

Sometimes I can feel that God pulls us toward himself like he was a black hole, not far off in space but down deep inside us. When we accept the Lord we take one irrevocable step inside the event horizon. It’s actually the last step we ever really need to take.

Except perhaps to take our foot off the brake.

In that zone I feel Jen Swinton walking in a cleansing rain, no strain, moving from pressure to pleasure. No brakes. And I feel Julie’s cathartic, floodgate destroying tears, “unstuck in time,” like a character from another book I didn’t write. Beautiful, weightless, standing still in a timeless pool before God because what she felt came from forever on its way back to forever. How blessed to taste of eternity in love restored.

When I write my book, at least one character will stand out of time not because they were pushed out by loss, regret, shame and failure in this world. My character will be pulled out, one Sabbath day at a time, stripping himself of mass and momentum, heart set on eternity and all its charms. Brakes will be the first thing to go.

Keeping Sabbath Grace-Full

This is going to be a bit of a different post; it’s going to have three parts. First a little back story, then the important lesson I learned, and lastly a bit of a compare and contrast. Here goes.

This was a difficult week for me because I had a major spas out at Ditmars and 31st street during a busy lunch hour. I called my sister to ask what I thought was a simple question and instead opened Pandora’s box of all the unspoken animosity, jealousy, and bitterness that still existed between us. Needless to say I ended the call yelling her full name out loud making her sure prey for identity theft driven passersby. I blew it. After the Lord had dealt with me, I sent her several texts apologizing for my part. The nature of our relationship is that we usually have no communication unless one or the other needs help with something. And from past experience I knew that having offended her, I needed to let things lie for a while. She would contact me again when I was forgiven. This was Friday.

Saturday I still did not know how things stood between us. But I could not dwell on it. I had not finished my Sabbath preparations. Friday night I had made a long list of things I must do from when I woke up until 6pm, and the list seemed to keep growing. Not only that, but it was raining, and I had to make several trips to a store a few blocks away because a product that I had purchased was not functioning, and this was the first thing on my list to get done. At about 2pm I had a sudden urge to call a dear friend from PA that I had not spoken with in at least 2 months. I called and miraculously it was a wonderful time we spent talking. I even got most of the dishes done at the same time. By 5pm I realized I had to give up on about 3/4 of my list. I became frustrated with myself. You see I am currently out of work. I have had to deal with concerns of some that I was sitting home doing nothing all day. So I have this urge to prove them wrong. Almost a sick desire to win their respect or please them.  Just before Sabbath began I got myself ready, finished off one item from my list, and put my work away. We began Sabbath and I spent some time with the Lord after eating some dinner. I knew it was the phone call that delayed my progress, but I also realized what a beautiful gift that call had been for me. Not having many friends here it was like an arriving at an oasis after a journey through a sandstorm. It was a blessing from God, a gift. Then it hit me. I had thought I needed to work hard to earn my Sabbath, to deserve it. I thought that I needed to merit or deserve the beautiful gift that Sabbath had become for me. My frustration at failing to achieve the standard I’d set for myself suddenly was released to God. I let it go. I said, “I finally get it Lord. It’s just like Grace. A gift or favor that I did not deserve and could never earn.” This weeks sermon has added even more depth to this revelation. I don’t know if  anyone has felt this way about Sabbath, because probably the majority of folks are working very hard, but if there is anyone who has been hurt and made to feel like they didn’t “exhaust themselves enough for a 24 rest”, remember Grace. Remember that Sabbath is a taste of eternity, and that we never have deserved any part of eternity. But God in his mercy came down to us and gave to us what we did not deserve; he merited to us His perfectly righteously lived life.  Like the worship song says…”grace like rain falls down on me.”

Lastly,  I want to quickly compare two experiences I had this Sabbath in two seemly similar activities. For some reason, the Saturday part of Sabbath my husband and I usually spend it alone doing our own thing. And on Sunday we spend it together. Saturday I began to watch a movie called ————–(name protected to prevent spoiler alert). I knew it would be sad, but I rarely cry even with sad movies. I watched the entire thing with some water in my eyes, but no tears. When the last line was said, the floodgates were destroyed by torrents of my tears.  And the crazy thing is the last line was not sad. It was joyful, full of love and quite beautiful. However, it was like a slap in the face for me because it was describing a deep meaningful relationship shared by two sisters. It was everything I had always wanted since I was a small girl and never once experienced between my sister and I.   I cried for about 15 minutes. And I wrote a poem that is painful and not very complimentary of either me or my sister. But it was true. And as usual cathartic. God has restored the love in my heart for her once again. Sunday afternoon, my husband wanted to see a movie. It will also remain nameless. We both knew what it was about and that it would be a good family friendly based on a true story scenario. About 2o minutes into it, I could feel my heart clenching into a fist. I turned to my husband and said, ” Have you ever had that nervous feeling during a film when you feel like….” He cut me off there and said, “Yeah this is making me angry. I have been thinking about my own projects and what it would be like if this happened to my work and…this is not very relaxing.” “Turn it off now please,” I said. We were both so relieved. We found another activity to do that was relaxing and enjoyed the rest of our Sabbath.  I give this comparison to show that (1) any activity, even watching a movie, can be an opportunity for God to enter in and do a work in our deepest parts. However, that same activity, can be sabotage if we don’t allow God to be present with us during it. And (2) don’t be afraid to adjust plans a bit if something is not working out. Have several back up activities ready should one prove not restful at that particular time. Let the Holy Spirit be present. And enjoy what you are doing.

From pressure to pleasure…

This past weekend was filled with mixed emotions…

On Saturday, I was out and about running errands so that I could really enjoy the Sabbath time.  I have trouble winding down & relaxing…always on the go…trying to accomplish something.  These Sabbath periods are teaching me that it is a pleasure to slow down.  I must admit that before I began taking Sabbath, I felt a certain pressure to observe them.  I couldn’t image how I would get things done and still have time to stop, rest, delight and contemplate.  On Saturday evening,  as we lighted the candle, I said a blessing and we read a passage from the Wayne Mueller Sabbath book on “Silence”.

The practice of being “silent” is such a foreign idea to me and started to bring up several thoughts.  I initially wasn’t sure why the idea of  “Silence” was so intimidating to me and then it dawned on me.  My “life grid” has taught me that when people are silent, they are mad.  Silence wasn’t a “welcomed” activity, per se , but a punishment.  I also wondered what  benefits could come out of being silent.

I am learning (albeit slowly), that being silent helps me to refocus, re-center, and to reinvent and create new memories around this profound idea.  Slowing down, being silent, and reflecting can stir up feelings of  “pressure” or “pleasure”, it’s all a matter of ones perspective.  This weekend, I chose to find “pleasure” in being quiet/silent.   It was in those moments of quiet, that I was able to feel God’s peace and care for me…and to begin to embrace this time as truly a gift.

In my “together times” throughout this Sabbath, I was able to really be present.  I wasn’t thinking about my schedule, to do list or what was expected of me this week.  I was simply enjoying being present with Phil and delighting in having fun together, enjoying a meal and sharing our thoughts on whatever subject sprung up.  The rain storm added an extra level of delight as we cozied up under the umbrella and journeyed around Williamsburg together.  The rain reminded me of “refreshment” and how our souls need to be “refreshed” and “cleansed” from all the emotional clutter that builds up in our lives.  In was an invitation to let God “refresh” us.

Another discovery that I learned throughout this weekend was that I will not sign up to take a class during my Sabbath.  Even though I enjoyed the class, it distracted me from truly enjoying this  set apart time.  I didn’t feel it “robbed me”, but it didn’t “add to” my experience this week.  As Pastor Pete was sharing, it took the Israelites 40 yrs to “get it together”, so I am gonna cut myself some slack here and continue learning and discovering and enjoying this gift.