Cate commented on my last entry saying, if my Sabbath day looks different from Jim’s (so stopping, resting, delighting, contemplating), what do I do?
I’ve hesitated to reply to this comment, and it’s not easy to give a quick respond back. But, here is another entry on how sabbath is done with the Carlese’s.

I am ashamed to say that I tend to control sabbath. I struggle with making sure sabbath is done the way I like it, rather than do things Jim wants to do.
It’s difficult for me to admit that before preparing for sabbath, I tell Jim what I want to do, what I would like to get cleaned, work before sabbath. I tell him what kind of food I want, what events to go to or not go to, and what time I want (really “us”) to go to bed and get up on sabbath. Jim often is compliant to “my way”, because when it’s not done “my way” I can get angry or moody.

However, there have been some situations where I have allowed him to do what he enjoys. Like meet up with his guy friends on a Sunday morning, or for lunch. On those days, I’ll either spend time alone, or meet up with my friends.

I’d like to mention that I have submit myself to at least one thing Jim likes to do. Before sabbath start we go to the gym on a Saturday morning. Now, I hate the gym, although I care about my health, I find no joy in running on a treadmill, doing crunches, going on the cross trainer, and especially take one of those aerobic classes. I can’t deal with the shame of not keeping up with the class, where I usually need to stop and catch my breath every 5 minutes. But, I go because he delights in going to the gym together, and us working towards being fit and healthy. However, if you notice that this is something I wouldn’t do during “my” Sabbath. I’ll tell myself that I’ve served my penance going to the gym, so sabbath should be done my way.

You would think that since I know this about myself, that I am controlling when it comes to sabbath, maybe I would “change”. But nope, I can’t seem to allow myself to change. Friday night, when we got home from marriage group, the first thing I tell him is the schedule for before and during Sabbath. I state that we should wake up at 8:30 am, head to the gym by 9 am, get back home around 11 am and once we’ve showered, clean the house. I scheduled to meet with a friend over coffee in the afternoon, so I expect Jim to get the taxes done in the mean time. I also mentioned that when I’m done with meeting up with my friend, I’d like to go to Sri Pra Phai, in Woodside for an early dinner before we see our talented musician friends, Jusup with his band and Cate. It was difficult to agree to going to the concert at 5:30, because it cut into our sabbath. So that would mean we couldn’t light our candle at 6 pm and be in “sheer silence”. But, we both decided that we like to hear the music. Jim agreed to my schedule, but on Saturday I noticed he wasn’t meeting his end of the agreement. After the gym, I decide to take a short nap because I was exhausted. Jim wasn’t as tired as I was, so I figured that he would do some of the cleaning. But, no…instead once I got up…I found him on the computer. Boy, was I upset, I couldn’t help myself but let out a nasty comment.. “is this what you’ve been doing this entire time I was sleeping”.. I didn’t let him explain himself. Instead I grabbed my bright yellow rubber gloves, Ajax, and a brush under the kitchen sink and started scrubbing the bathroom. I was doing things in a disgruntled way. Finally, Jim realized my anger, and he grabbed some laundry and did a load….

That night we were able to talk about our feelings, and we did a “ladder of integrity”, a skill we learned in our marriage group to help us through our feelings and discern our values.

Cate, if you’re reading this I’m sad to admit that I’m bossy, uptight, and I focus on doing things “my way” rather then God’s way and take the time to hear my husband. I hope to work at not being controlling and hurting Jim in the process of desiring a “good” sabbath.

I realized after this weekend that I am actually legalistic in how I spend sabbath.  I need to have the candle lit, prayer time, silence, and scripture reading.  If none of those things happen then I think I didn’t have a successful sabbath.

It is Jim’s perspective that sabbath is more of an attitude.  It is not about doing everything I like or about lighting candles.  Those things can be good to help with delighting and marking the time.  But it is about slowing down and focusing on God during everything that is done planned or unplanned.

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